When Silence is Acceptance-by:Lori Ann Potter
Believable Lies Part 1: Silence is Acceptance
Once every eight weeks or so, our tribal community holds a meeting
with the tribal council known as the Regular Bi-Monthly Membership
Meeting. From one meeting to the next, a lot of stuff can happen. In
fact, there is such a vast amount of information presented in
power-point presentations that, at times, absorbing it all is like
trying to take a sip from a fire hose.
At the end of these meetings, a common question is offered to the
members present, particularly whenever the tribal council requests
feedback on a future decision they plan to make:
Are there any questions? Remember folks…silence is acceptance.
For many years I remained silent at most tribal meetings, but my
silence did not mean I accepted or agreed with everything I heard.
(I’ll explain why in a moment.) I listened, observed, and took pages of
notes, and most of the time I refrained from adding my own concerns and
opinions during the hour-long Q&A session at the end of every
meeting.
I have a different perspective on silence. I believe the declaration
“silence is acceptance” is not only inaccurate; it’s a type of lie
woven deep within the psyche of our community. Any interpretation of
someone’s intentions – absent of mutual understanding, time to research
and process information, or freedom of communication within preset,
respectful boundaries – is a deviation of authentic truth. The term
“silence is acceptance” is actually a subtle form of manipulation. It’s
an inherited mindset, ignorantly extended by those who follow the
example of others who led in similar ways before them.
The truth is, silence can mean a lot of things and manifest in a
variety of ways. The existence of silence should never been interpreted
as the absence of contradicting opinion. Rather, silence can be either
positive or negative, depending on the
mindset
of those remaining silent. For this reason, we ought to be mindful to
the messages relayed within our cones of meeting silence.
When Silence is Negative
Silence is negative when it becomes the language of those who lack
hope; particularly those who feel their voices are not deemed important
enough to be considered or accepted. Silence can also manifest as a
preference by those who lack the skills or patience necessary to
communicate peacefully under pressure. But the type of silence most
debilitating is when a person’s silence entraps him or her into
believing there is nothing he or she can do to influence positive
change.
Why Silence Happens
Negative silence is the outcome of a passive form of bullying. It’s
the wearying affect of being condescended to, dictated or talked down to
rather than respected, valued and uplifted. It’s a reaction to a type
of torture – the steady, daily water-drip antagonizing the soul of a
community through passive, arrogant expression in a leader’s actions and
words:
You need me. I’m the best leader for you. There is no one else who
can lead effectively as me. You don’t understand what I understand.
You’re not as educated/popular/acceptable/respected enough to be
influential. I am here to make the decisions for you. I know what’s
best for you and you do not.
Negative silence is one response to controlling mindsets – when every
community decision is confined within the strict parameters of a
leader’s comfort zone, regardless of what might be best for the whole
community. It’s a response to empty “open door policies” veiled
securely behind locked doors. It’s the result of formalizing even the
simplest interactions. It’s the affect of decades of secrecy and
bureaucracy, limiting and prohibiting the community’s access to and use
of information.
How Silence is Revealed – Negative and Positive
Silence is often revealed through absence, such as a poor turnout to
meetings and events. It’s when people stop asking questions, quit
volunteering or refrain from attempting to offer solutions to problems.
It’s when people lose faith in a bureaucratic system; when they feel
unwelcome, disenfranchised or powerless to contribute anything of value.
It’s when priorities shift dramatically as people show up late, refuse
to engage and decide to leave early, viewing a meeting or event
gathering as much lower on their list of importance than it used to be.
Silence is also evident in people who refuse to vote. It’s when
people believe their vote makes no difference in a situation, although
in reality, their absence really does become a type of vote. It’s an
abstention allowing the majority vote of the day to rule the outcome of a
decision, regardless of a voter’s stand on the matter. It’s the only
time, in fact, when silence actually becomes a form of acceptance,
whether it is intended or not.
Silence is positive when it is evidence of wisdom. There is a
sacredness in silence that is seldom recognized, such as when silence is
held by those waiting for the right timing to say what needs to be said
in a way it might be received most effectively, whether written, spoken
or both. Silence empties the mind of clutter, allowing it to absorb
and fully process what has entered it. Silence enables one to consider
rather than simply react.
It’s also evident in those who choose the silence of absence as a
catalyst for positive change, even when it’s only temporary. Removing
oneself from controlling, manipulative, abusive, gossip-laden, deceitful
or oppressive groups and situations, for instance. This can include
relationships, family gatherings, meetings, online groups and even some
work environments. In these situations, a person’s ability to walk away
and remain temporarily silent becomes a demonstration of his or her
strength – the wisdom to understand one’s limits, and the awareness that
circumstances do not dictate his or her value, abilities or
limitations.
It’s your turn: In what ways do you believe silence can be
positive or negative within a relationship, family or community?
